i haven’t written here in more than four months…a lifetime on the internet. to be honest, i had very little desire with very little to say. it was, in my opinion, a result of all of the struggles i faced during this year. i was loathed to admit it to myself but i was too sick to do the things that needed to be done. so many days, i spent in bed not being able to get up and with a real hatred of walking up the various hills to get to my apartment. as a result, my work didn’t get finished, i went for weeks without sleeping and basically had a breakdown in front of my peers and professors so intense that they collectively pulled me aside.
less then a month ago, i had my third heart surgery. though it didn’t turn out quite the way i had wanted, it was a step in the right direction. currently, i’m in the recovery/monitoring stage but i’ve seen glimmers of hope. i can walk that distance, climb that stair and have it feel much better than it’s felt in years. i have more good days than bad and what’s even more amazing is that i don’t have that fear anymore: the fear of not waking up from my sleep, that kind of thing so common with people who have heart problems. but now i’m antsy. i told my mom that i miss my abs (which i do) — a year and a half ago, i was a size 4, working out five days a week and feeling great. i can’t do anything until the doctors say it’s okay, but i’m ready.
what does any of this have to do with musicology?
well nothing specifically except for the fact i refuse to have a repeat of the last year. credibility seemed shot, no one thought i could do what i needed to do, or at least it seemed that way. i didn’t put myself first. i put everything else in my life first, even though i swore not to. i have another chance and i would like not to blow it. i’m aiming for a clear body and a clear mind, both of those things, i think, are key to surviving in this business. and by business, i mean academia. there are so many things involved in what we do that are not conducive to living healthy lives. and nothing we do matters if we don’t do that. all the stress, the work, the misery…not worth it.
so i’m hoping that this new heart will allow me to reform myself. stop worrying about my body and start thinking about all the other stuff that i’d rather spend time on. and i hope that no one has to go through what i’ve gone through. this is enough for all of us.