last week was my last week of teaching and it was filled with so many emotions and feelings that, honestly, i was a little terrified. i felt like throwing in the towel pretty much every day — i was starting my own classes as well, a balancing act i could not have prepared for no matter how hard i tried — and i was worried i was running out of ideas and steam.
it was odd that i would feel so helpless during this last week considering that week had the topics that interested me the most. they seemed to be the most enjoyable classes and who knew the thing that would get my class the most riled up was an argument over whether or not Disney’s Snow White was a strong female character?
i ended the last class early after a very live conversation about the state of Broadway today and expressed to them how grateful i was to have had this opportunity and to thank them for being so patient with me. they gave me a round of applause which was unexpected and sweet. on the way out, i talked to one of my students about NYC and musical theater. he seemed very grateful for the class and enthused. that kind of validated it for me, all the back-breaking, ass-kicking work. that night i came home to a flurry of emails from my students, not only with their final papers attached, but with well wishes for my (academic) future.
so the other day, my good friend (and very talented teacher) Gina called me and in our conversation, she asked what i had learned from this whole experience, which, to be honest, i had never really sat down and plotted out. so saying it out loud was as new to her as it was to me. i told her that i learned not to take things so personally: i know what it’s like to be a student in a three hour seminar and i am never really a ball of sunshine. it would be a mistake to not draw upon my experiences as a student and let them influence me as a teacher. also i realized that i needed to trust and be confident in my own knowledge and i think that’s a very difficult thing to do. i still worry about it. i’ll be teaching two new classes in MH4 this semester (one new for me and one new for the course) and even though it’s material i covered in my own class (Gershwin and Weill), i still worry that the words that will leave my mouth will not correspond with reality in any way, shape or form. but they will and they do. and no one wants to learn from an insecure teacher.
so i couldn’t be happier that intersession is over. the weight was massive and now that weight has to be transferred over to my own studies. but i am thankful and blessed, hopefully a littler smarter, a little wiser, a little more relaxed from this endeavor.